“Your wings have become fully fledged and hard (a metaphorical representation of you are ready to fly, leave the nest, and believe you have self-autonomy)”. It is an ancient Chinese proverb frequently said by manipulative family members in a condescending tone during transitional periods. That is, when you are trying to set boundaries with your family of origin due to personal needs. Essentially, it is a form of psychological manipulation to stop you from leaving a miserable or unhealthy relationship. Similarly, your “protest behaviour” is rationalized to keep you in your place when you are showing your personality. Why? Because it is uncomfortable.

You are a rebel when you stop listening to or following the order of an older (traditionally considered wiser) adult. Specifically, if you are defying any order from “an alpha male” in a heterosexual legal contract. Legally, you are an adult; however, socially and culturally, you are often reminded “who you are” and “where you should be”, making setting boundaries with your family of origin difficult. What’s worse, the way that the governments promote “DEI and celebrate cultural heritage” – insinuating “your cultural identity is your only identity” – actually widens generation gaps. So, is there a solution?

*This article is in relation to Daily writing prompt.

Change Begins when you stop carrying emotional burdens that are not yours

Living in a patriarchal system, the process of setting boundaries with your family of origin seldom has positive connotations. Because setting boundaries is not customarily acceptable from a social or cultural standpoint. In short, it connotes a person being self-centered, self-absorbed, socially awkward, or even mistaken for socially challenged. Despite having legal obligations and rights as an adult, you do not always “feel” you have the ability to make life decisions “on your own” without the “permission” or “acknowledgement” from your family of origin. This derives from a social belief that aims to create a black-and-white world in the name of peaceful living.

Consequently, it is only difficult to set boundaries when you believe carrying others’ emotional burdens is your responsibility. A 2021 research paper showed that family members and friends with dark personality traits, referring to narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, are more likely to meddle in other people’s romantic relationships. Are you the one who wants and is ready for a personal breakthrough? Or, are you that friend or family member who fears change?

4 common types of boundaries

A moment when you realized you were officially an adult is oftentimes when you are finally able to manage your own life autonomously. Individual independence, so to speak. One of the most important steps to “living your own truth” is to set boundaries.

physical boundaries

From setting limits on physical touch to advocating for needing personal space to relax or recharge, physical boundaries refer to your personal space and physical touch (Steadfast Counselling, 2024). Physical boundaries, in an ideal world, should include regular social interactions (out of duty) with family members, friends or romantic partner(s), yet your personal preference is often honoured by strangers or acquaintances.

emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries are invisible lines drawn by you to shield yourself from the outside world or anyone who is not in your inner circle. Based in Singapore, The Other Clinic (2023) suggested that humans learn about boundaries early on in their childhoods from role models, such as authority figures and peers, often influenced by their local cultures or customs. In some cultures, children learn from an early age that truly loving someone means sacrificing their own needs and desires, which may lead to an identity crisis, like you do not know who you are outside of a relationship (The Other Clinic, 2023).

conversational boundaries

“Conversational boundaries” is an interchangeable term for communication boundaries. Indigo Therapy Group, a Chicago-based therapy service provider, indicated that communication boundaries denote your comfort level in any conversation or discussion, including your tolerance level. To put it more precisely, when you are having a conversation with another person, you want to be able to decide what you are comfortable discussing or sharing, how you would like to be treated and when you would stop communicating (to de-escalate the severity of a conflict).

transitional boundaries

Transitional boundaries, as the name implies, are happening during transitional periods. This includes situations, such as an adult child living with parents/legal guardians while attending college/university, an adult child moving back to parent’s (legal guardian’s) home due to elder care, and a divorced couple sharing the same living space (e.g., agreeing to a roommate arrangement) to reduce expenses.

understanding your boundaries with your family of origin

In most cases, when an altercation occurs, remove yourselves from the situation immediately is a typical de-escalation strategy. Nevertheless, this does not apply to family members with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Dr. Ramani (2024) shared that estrangement shaming is not uncommon, especially when it comes to dealing with narcissist family systems. “There was grief and a sense of loss, but ultimately a sense of peace”, said Dr. Ramani in the video. That is, to protect your dignity and peace or preserve a sense of self, going no/limiting contact with your loved ones is usually the last resort.

Before you make any noticeable behaviour change, please keep in mind that:

• Involving the right social/professional/community support is indispensable (e.g., no more putting on a show)
• Transforming your conversational boundaries helps significantly. E.g., negatively reinforcing dysfunctional family communication (Learn more about “Reinforcement” through Life And Personal Development Coaching)
• Normalizing political discussions may be inevitable
• Sitting with discomfort (e.g., long silence) is expected
• Making judgment calls is part of the deal
• Learning to embrace solitude is a life-changing experience
• And sometimes, you may need to disconnect in order to reconnect

setting boundaries with your family of origin can feel like an impossible mission

“Saying ‘no’ used to be a difficult task for me. I would say ‘ok’ or ‘agree’ to things that I did not concur with just to get by, fit in or survive. In the end, I became a people-pleaser who did not know her own identity. It took decades to explore and re-discover myself, but I found her eventually with a strong personal support system.

That’s one of the many reasons why I picked up my pen to make resources more accessible to the general public. During my self-acceptance journey, I found my purpose of living, which is to inspire and empower those who choose to go on a harder path.”

– Vivian Davis, founder of Berelevant Network

You may wonder how it is possible to initiate a conversation about “boundaries” with those who raised you to believe otherwise. First things first, did you know setting boundaries with family of origin is not always a personal choice? Considering cultural and social influences, you may or may not consciously choose to honour your family tradition or follow the setup. Whether or not you are aware of this reality, if you choose to set boundaries with your family origin, it does not mean you are having a healthier relationship with them. That is, it is not “best-case or worst-case” scenarios, it is largely a matter of personal preference.

With that in mind, if it is difficult to set boundaries with your family of origin, would “dropping the idea of change” improve your relationship?

every small action makes a big difference

Are you the sandwich generation who feels like you are living a double life? Whenever you enter your childhood home, for instance, a rush of muscle memory and emotional (e.g., positive and traumatic) memories hit you. You behave like how your family of origin expects you to, before you know it, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Thus, intentional contacts or visits, like setting physical, emotional and conversational boundaries, are common practices.

Before you change a dynamic, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following 3 questions:

• “Would it make any difference if I choose to love them from a distance?”
• “Would it make any difference if I choose to prioritize my well-being?”
• “Would it make any difference if I choose the side of justice?”

After all, every small action makes a big difference. You can choose to consult a licensed professional, read/listen to (audio)books, go on immersive travels, venture out or seek support from a non-traditional human skills learning center.

Still wondering if you should set out to break a cycle of trauma or old habits that are not healthy for you? You are one of the fortunate people who is given the (conditional) freedom of choice. No matter which path (to stay in your comfort zone or make a difference with yourself) you choose, remember to exercise your rights when you see fit.

references

Steadfast Counselling. (2024, September 20). 8 Types of Boundaries in Relationships: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Time, Material, Digital, Sexual and Spiritual. https://steadfastcounselling.com/8-types-of-boundaries-in-relationships/

The Other Clinic. (2023, November 16). Setting Emotional Boundaries: How It Impacts Your Well-Being. https://theotherclinic.sg/2023/11/16/setting-emotional-boundaries-how-it-impacts-your-well-being/

Indigo Therapy Group. (n.d.). Asserting Your Boundaries and Engaging in Hard Conversations Respectfully. https://indigotherapygroup.com/asserting-your-boundaries-and-engaging-in-hard-conversations-respectfully/

Fagan, A. (2021, August 15). Why These Friends and Relatives Can’t Stop Meddling in Your Life. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/finding-new-home/202108/why-these-friends-and-relatives-cant-stop-meddling-in-your-life

DoctorRamani. (2024, August 12). A COMMON misconception about what THERAPISTS think of NO CONTACT [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufl4J_n_yBc