Do you have a love-hate relationship with your conservative family of origin? You have learned to actively listen, give your time and show willingness to learn their stories and worldview, but you receive no acknowledgement or recognition. Or, you simply don’t want to disappoint them (that you don’t want to follow your family’s dreams, wishes or paths), so you keep secrets from them (to not hurt their feelings or avoid conflicts).

Given the situation (that you receive nothing in return), you continue to give and hope one day it will become reciprocal. This love-hate relationship with your conservative family of origin subconsciously affects your current relationships. A cycle that often results from a need for “social validation”, in particular from significant others with anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment styles, rooted in unresolved abandonment issues from childhood trauma.

the time when you realize you are in a Love-Hate Relationship With your conservative Family Of Origin

Traditional practices across many cultures worldwide place great emphasis on blood-related family (kinship). Hence, “born, married, give birth”. Such a trajectory is a simplified version of the human life cycle introduced by a patriarchal system. Its purpose is to create order, promote stability and repress vulnerability for the greater good¹.

However, since “the right to education” entered the scene, the relevance of this patriarchal system has been in question. Many civil rights activists and women’s rights movement pioneers have shown the world that “change is necessary for the greater good“.

This love-hate relationship with your conservative family, or blood ties, thus becomes more evident in stages. There are four waves:

1. After you graduate from high school/higher education

2. After your dream pays the bills

3. After you’ve found “the one”

4. When you are in your middle adulthood

the First Love-Hate Relationship Realization wave: After you graduate from high school/higher education

In this 2024 narrative, How I’m Breaking Gender Stereotypes and Expectations, Vivian, growing up in a conservative and traumatized family, came to the conclusion, while in her early 20s, that she would prioritize her own goals and live for herself moving forward.

the Second Love-Hate Relationship wave: After your dream pays the bills

On February 12, 2025, the Wild Card with Rachel Martin released an interview with Ronny Chieng, where he was asked, “What was a disappointing experience that now feels like a blessing?”

Ronny recalled, “I couldn’t get a job coming out of law school, my grades were too bad, and everyone around me was getting jobs, because I went to a very good law school… I felt a little left out at the time, but in hindsight, I’m so glad I never got hired because I think it would be more difficult for me to quit a job and do comedy… I didn’t tell them (his “more conservative” family) I was doing comedy. They only found out honestly when I got hired on the Daily Show (many years later).”

The interviewer then added that the plausible reason why he didn’t choose to share such a piece of information at that time was that he wanted to wait until his comedy career took off (when his dream pays the bills) so that he wouldn’t be in the hot seat.

the Third Love-Hate Relationship wave: After you’ve found “the one”

Vivian has been actively navigating her neurotypical-neurodivergent romantic relationship for several years. Before tying the knot, she and her now-husband had gone through a list of questions about their beliefs, health and financial situation. During this process, she discovered some misbehaviours of her then-boyfriend-now-husband may be signs of a person with ADHD. Therefore, there were a few moments that she was so on edge that she began questioning whether she could continue to love him. Notwithstanding that, she decided to give their love a chance.

After marriage, her then-boyfriend-now-husband received a formal diagnosis, confirming his neurodivergent identity. Subsequently, she prompted him to attend support groups and apply for special accommodations for job sustainability. Eventually, she took more responsibilities at the executive level to complement him. From pre-assessments and referrals to critical decision-making processes, Vivian has the final say. As a result, she transitioned to a role that freed up her time to take care of him and their family’s needs more seamlessly.

Love is a verb, not a noun: action speaks louder than words

Despite her great efforts, raised by a conservative family in a patriarchal system, his indoctrinated way of thinking dictated his actions. Emotionally, he was cognizant of his condition (that he might be neurodivergent), yet his mindset and actions said otherwise. For instance, he has learned to apologize in a Canadian way. Nevertheless, he struggles to apologize sincerely. That is, the former requires “System 1 thinking”, like routine actions and habits and automatic cognitive tasks, whereas the latter needs “System 2 thinking”, like typically involving an analytical mode of reasoning for complex or unfamiliar tasks (Kahneman, 2011).

When Vivian’s husband doesn’t recognize that he is slow in information processing, he starts to blame the message sender, believing that “the information wasn’t clear enough”. Additionally, his actions, such as interrupting his wife and taking everything personally rather than literally, do not always match his words (that he loves and cares about her).

Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work

It took him two and a half years to truly understand how much Vivian had contributed to resolving his issues. This includes, but are not limited to, the search for external resources and non-medicated and less intrusive mental treatments. To him, he always knew Vivian was the one. However, he didn’t have words to express it.

He understands his newly acquired identity is not an excuse for him to mistreat his wife, even unintentionally. The couple is now working hard to maintain their relationship by making any necessary lifestyle changes that help.

Unfortunately, irrespective of his attempts, his conservative family of origin did not take in his new learnings and revelations well. Through Vivian’s guidance, he ultimately learned to accept their worldview and respect the way they live their lives.

the fourth Love-Hate Relationship wave: when you are in your middle adulthood

By APA’s definition, adulthood can be divided into three stages: young adulthood (roughly 20 to 35 years of age), middle adulthood (about 36 to 64 years), and later adulthood (age 65 and beyond).

A family member of Vivian’s had a realization that their mother exhibits favoritism towards sons under a patriarchal system during their middle adulthood. Specifically, after their father’s death. Even though they understand love is not a one-way street, they can’t help reverting to old habits. In spite of going through a series of traumatic experiences, they are still a firm believer in “blood is thicker than water”.

During a visit, Vivian witnessed their mental breakdown. As a trained behaviour therapist and social worker (specializing in program development), she outlined systematically why they, as well as all parties involved, may all need help (psychological interventions). Instead of asking questions for clarity, “You should go to see a doctor (psychiatrist) yourself then!”, they shouted at Vivian out of rage.

“I already did!”, she responded. “We (students in her program) are required to test our mental status, so I did many different assessments. Out of curiosity, I did as many as I could. But, I didn’t have anything.”, Vivian recalled. This left them speechless and changed the topic immediately.

Perhaps their silence was an indication that it is easier to handle a love-hate relationship (or say cycle of abuse) than accept their harsh reality.

Can you grow out of a Love-Hate Relationship With Your Conservative Family Of Origin despite Differences?

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Here is a list of questions you can ask yourself before you try to have a difficult conversation with your family of origin:

• To what extent do you believe you can influence their conservative thoughts?
• What if they preferred their way and refused the idea of change or something new?
• Would you accept that you might eventually “love them from a distance“?
• Are you ready to “let go” temporarily or permanently (to protect yourself) if necessary?

You can certainly grow out of a love-hate relationship with your conservative family of origin on a case-by-case basis. Some family members may be oblivious, while others may prefer to stay ignorant. The truth is, whichever side they think they take, they are for the change. After all, a patriarchal system is merely a generic social belief system. It outlines what the rule makers believe, but it does not include the nitty-gritty of each tradition or practice. Because external factors, such as the accessibility of natural resources, create regional differences.

“A culture (including subculture) can be appreciated and celebrated by different groups of people; however, no culture (or tradition) can represent anyone or define a person’s identity (unless that’s how they see themselves).”

Published on May 30, 2025 by Berelevant Network on “What is a culture?”

In the end, an act out of self-preservation (survival instinct), when a living organism elects to enhance their chances of survival while minimizing potential harm, will always take place during an emergency.

Humans might be apex predators and are generally considered the most intelligent species on Earth, but humans are still part of Mother Nature. To properly heal (or end a love-hate relationship), what you need is not time, but the right resources and support you need along the way.

Get help during an emergency

Please contact the law enforcement department or the local helpline during an emergency, especially domestic violence.

Alternatively, you may contact your trusted partner, like Berelevant Network | Contact Page for non-urgent and non-medical support.

endnote

for the greater good¹: In this context, centralizing control of a community or society is symbolic of order, ultimately leading to peace.

References

Wild Card with Rachel Martin. (2025, February 12). Ronny Chieng on ditching law for comedy, The Daily Show and always being unimpressed | Wild Card [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_dM9iufsIw

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 15). Adulthood. https://dictionary.apa.org/adulthood

Berelevant Network [@berelevantnetwork]. (2025, December 24). Have you experienced the moment of “the deepest (greatest) act of love is to let go”? [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DSp4dnVCck-/

Berelevant Network [@berelevantnetwork]. (2025, May 30). Culture is a complex yet dynamic system. It is a set of beliefs or values passed down and practiced [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKSeb7fR0Nt/

Campbell & Josephine. (2025). Self-preservation (survival instinct). EBSCO. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/science/self-preservation-survival-instinct